Hey guys! Today I thought I would do something a bit different and more personal. I'm not really the type that talks (or in this case types) out my feelings a lot, but after talking to Gigi I thought I would write a blog post on self love in the hopes that it will help any of y'all. This blog post is going to be in parts so here is part 1:
Self Love Part 1 : Anxiety
Anxiety. A 7 letter word that has consumed my life since my senior year of high school. The first time I heard this word was a few years ago, when it seemed like every YouTuber in the world was dealing with it. At that time I thought it was some new "fad", never knowing that down the road I would be experiencing the same condition.
It was February of my senior year in high school and everything was going well. I had an amazing group of girls that I thought was lucky enough to call my friends. I was scrolling through Instagram one day and I saw a post. All of my "friends" were hanging out and I was the only person who wasn't invited. Of course I was hurt. These girls were some of my best friends and I didn't understand why I wasn't invited. I'm not someone who sits and dwells over something. If I'm bothered by something I go to the source instead of sitting around and moping. So I went to I decided to talk to my close friend Amber (name changed). She told me not to worry. That they all planned this during lunch time and since I wasn't there they felt they didn't have to invite me. Being the gullible person I was/am I said that was fine and dropped it. BAD IDEA. The next weekend they were all together again. This time they were at a local carnival that I wanted to go to with the exact same group. When I had asked them about it everyone thought it was lame and didn't want to go. And yet here they were. All 12 girls at the "lame" carnival together. I asked Amber again why I wasn't invited and this time she told me the truth. She said they all didn't want to invite me because they didn't like the fact that I was "opinionated" or wanted to do things my own way. I had been friends with these girls since 7th grade. I had changed EVERYTHING about me just to fit in. I watched tv shows they all liked. I listened to their music. I tried having the same interests. I grew up with these girls. Our families were friends. We spent every day of the week together, and most of us went to the same religious school on the weekends. But, again being the person I am, I confronted them, and they said they didn't do anything wrong. In retrospect, I was just someone to be there for birthday parties. I was never invited to go to the movies. We never dressed up for Halloween together or spent time together during school breaks. To them, I was a school friend, not an actual friend. Weeks after the carnival, and I still wasn't talking to them. I felt betrayed, sad, and lonely. And then I got a text. It was from their Prom group leader asking me to put a deposit down for the party bus. I didn't get it. We all hadn't spoken in a month and I didn't get why she was asking me this. They knew I was going with another group, even though I wasn't talking to them I had let one of the guys know and he had told all of them. When I said I wasn't going to pay the deposit because I wasn't going she got angry. She told me I was a horrible person. I was ruining their plans, and that I OWED it to THEM. And that's when the anxiety kicked in. I started to believe I was this horrible person; The girl no one would ever want to be friends with. Someone that would never end up happily married because I wasn't a good person. I believed them. I believed that I would never find a group of friends because I was "opinionated", weird, and different. Ever since that experience I started to get anxious every time I had to go to a social event. My first day of college I had 4 panic attacks before I left my dorm. I was afraid to make friends at college because I though this low of my self. I didn't want to let anyone in. And then I met my best friend Gigi and the best friend group I could have asked for. Life surprises you at the weirdest moments. When I was down God showed me some of best people that I am lucky to call friends. My anxiety isn't gone. I still live with it everyday. I still get anxious when I'm about to go to a social event. I can feel my anxiety creep up before I meet my friends for dinner, worried they were talking about me before I got there. But, I have to remind myself that life isn't high school. The people who I'm friends with aren't the girls I knew in high school. Every time I get an anxiety attack I remind my self of the people who care about me. I focus on my breathing and think about the friends I made. It isn't the best technique, but it's effective. For any of y'all who battle with anxiety, you aren't alone. You are a great person. People love you. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
All ways sending positive vibes,
Srini
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